Silly Ninja
Read. Watch. Laugh. Ninja.
Old Man Wisdom
[ No Comments ] Posted on 08.13.08 under Funny News
We sat with a man on the verge of turning 60 and he shed some knowledge on us for the decades to come. Consider this the crystal ball of your future.
His principle: THE FIVE H’s
Hard-on:
For guys in their 20’s. Basically follow your dick. This is the time in life that you are able to make mistakes and should take any and all action that is thrown at you. If you are in a relationship and a hot girl is interested in you follow your hard-on and go after her. You won’t have the stamina or energy later in life so live it up while you can.
Heart:
For guys in their 30’s. You fooled around and had your fun and now you want to settle down. It is time to follow your heart and start a family if you want to or pursue some of your other dreams you may have.
Head:
For guys in their 40’s. Now you finally start to get daily epiphanies about life. Your understanding of women, relationships, and family life all start to grow and you become more logical and rational. Your reasoning improves and you can start giving advice to others around.
Health:
For guys in their 50’s. You’ve chased every piece of tail for a decade, you’ve settled down and maybe had a kid or two, and you have finally gained some wisdom so now your primary goal is to preserve that and stay healthy. You start to focus on what you are eating and try to workout daily. You don’t want to be that guy getting pushed around in the wheelchair so get off your ass and do something about it.
Happiness:
For guys in their 60’s. You can laugh at yourself and those adolescents around you. You can stare at younger girls in their 20’s and they don’t care. You can shed knowledge to youth but they probably won’t listen and you get to laugh when they make mistakes that could have been avoided. Youth truly is wasted on the young.
Brilliant Kid Exploits Pedofiles For Easy Cash
[ No Comments ] Posted on 08.08.08 under Funny News
An innovative teenager in Sweden thought up a brilliant plan to get two great things accomplished at once: screwing over old, perverted guys that prey on underage girls and making himself a hefty chunk of pocket change in the meantime. Here’s how he did it…
First, the 16-year-old boy set up a website soliciting video feeds of naughty, underage girls via webcam. In order for the creepers to be able to view the videos, they would first need to submit their personal ID numbers, bank account details and internet bank codes. The boy would then rape their accounts and make out like a bandit. Needless to say, there were never any videos for the men to watch.
Next comes the best part…
The kid would then write a letter to each of these idiots from a different e-mail account, using the identity of a police investigator on the hunt for internet sex offenders. He told the men that they had been reported for sex offenses and, again, requested their banking information in order to investigate the charges further. He told them that as long as he didn’t discover anything suspicious that he would leave them alone. Then the boy would steal even more money from these guys’ accounts. He ended up making over $10,000.
This scheme is brilliant because the kid was taking advantage of people that he knew wouldn’t want to inform the police of his crime. Eventually though, his luck ran out. One of the men he had scammed went to the cops and the boy was eventually arrested. Although he was convicted on 10 counts of fraud, he walked with only 80 hours of community service. We don’t think he even had to pay the money back.
Either way, we’ve come to the conclusion that this kid is definitely going to strike it rich, one way or another. He possesses the kind of outside-of-the-box thinking that makes all self-made millionaires what they are.
Well played sir!
The Ass Bra
[ No Comments ] Posted on 08.07.08 under Funny News, Funny Pics
Yes you read it correctly. They have developed a new “bra” that makes a chick’s ass look better. Now when you’re making out with that girl with the hourglass figure you’ll have to unhook her bra, remove her corset and unhook her ass bra…but be careful the clip is near the hole (the one she constantly denies you).
Women wear so many gimmicks that it is hard to tell if that “8″ is really an “8.” They wear high heels to make their legs look longer, makeup to fix up their face, bras to make them look younger and more supple (for lack of a better word), and now they have designed an ass contraption to make them look like they’ve been waking up and doing yoga every morning for the past year. Is this really the beast that we’ve created?
Ladies, it is not fair to us that you are misleading us with your looks. Sure you look like a knockout at night all done up, but remember this, we have to wake up and see the deterioation that took place over night and it is never pretty. Less is more, and if you aren’t naturally hot; well work with what you’ve got or actually be that chick doing yoga every morning. Trust us, we’re going to see the rolls and dimples once your ass bra is off so if you are that insecure about it get your ass out of the bra and into the gym.
Say What?
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 08.04.08 under Funny News, Tech Info
As you probably know, Apple offers iPhone and iPod Touch owners the option of downloading applications (games, news, weather, sports, etc.) from the iTunes App Store in order to bolster their users’ product enjoyment. A new game was released to the App Store on Friday called “Oxxo.” We’ve read the “Oxxo” application description as it appears in the App Store and we still have absolutely no idea what the F it’s all about. It’s quite hilarious to be honest! Take your best shot at deciphering this description… (we have not altered this AT ALL)
The full game description appears after the break.
Wanna Poke a Stranger’s Baby in the Face?
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 07.29.08 under Funny News
Two women in Kansas were charged with prostitution in Camden County, Missouri after being arrested in an undercover sting operation at a local hotel. Two more women were arrested in a similar sting the following day. Charges have not yet been filed against the latter two women, but they definitely will be shortly. But the kicker is…
Three of the four women arrested are pregnant! One of the women was eight months pregnant, one was six months pregnant, and the other was three months pregnant.
We actually have a friend with a raging fetish involving pregnant women, but we didn’t think this was a widespread phenomenon. We interviewed the prosti-pregos and they had some very interesting insight into the reasoning behind their antics.
“My baby daddy ain’t found me attractive since I was 4 months. I jus’ wanted to feel loved again. Plus, I been out of work the past few months and having a baby ain’t cheap! This way I get ‘em both done.”
So selling your bulging tummy and letting some random guy give your baby birthmarks makes you feel loved huh? You’re not the brightest bulb in the box, are you?
“I heard of people sellin’ their stuff on the internet, I figured I could do the same thing with my body. What’s the difference?”
As it turned out, we were quickly confronted by the ladies’ uh… employer. At first he was upset that we were “takin’ their time without contributin’,” but he got over it when he found out this could spread his business. When we asked him why he was keeping his pregnant girls on the streets he responded with this bit of economic genius:
“Well I done heard that if you try to uh… maximize on your uh… exploits… ya know, like puttin’ your product in the hands of the people that want it… I could keep making more money.”
Understandably, we asked him to clarify:
“I foun’ out that there was these groups of guys who actually liked pregos so I told my hoes to get back out there and swing it. I got more normal girls for the regular shifts, but if I can keep my mamas-in-waiting bringin’ money on the books, there ain’t no stoppin’ me. I had to get em out there. Whatever you need, I got em comin’.”
He laughed at that last one (we did too). Upon further investigation and questioning, it became clear that safety was never an issue with the firms, from top to bottom.
“We’re already pregnant ya know? It’s not like we can get extra pregnant… we stopped makin’ our Johns wear condoms and they used the extra dollar to tip us more! This really is workin’ out for everyone. I wish the cops would get off our case.”
Somewhere, someone is thinking the same thing. (Probably right around the corner in Camden County)
Rabid Boy Breaks Canine Tooth Biting Dog
[ No Comments ] Posted on 07.28.08 under Funny News
Gabriel Almeida, an 11-year-old Brazilian boy, is currently in the midst of his 15 minutes of fame after an aggressive pitbull began to attack him while he was playing in his uncle’s backyard. In self-defense, the boy did what any of us would have done… he grabbed the dog by the neck and chomped down with authority!?!?
Local television and radio stations are creating a frenzy around the boy, who thoroughly enjoys retelling the story and embellishing the details as much as possible.
“The vicious pitbull came out of nowhere while Estevan and I were playing fútbol in our uncle’s backyard. He became hostile and started to attack me so I had to take him down. He was all bark. I was all bite!”
The dog was immediately taken to the E.R. and given a Tetanus shot to avoid disease from the rabid boy. Gabriel ironically lost one of his canine teeth while biting the dog. In a strange twist of events, villagers of all ages have been seen chasing around various animals attempting to bite them. The suspicion is that they’re emulating the boy in attempts to receive media notoriety for their conquests. Dogs, cats, opossums, and even monkeys are currently on red alert. In our estimation, the larger breeds of Brazilian animals, such as the Brazilian Jaguar, are still quite safe.
Reportedly, thousands of kids in Asian countries are extremely confused by all of the attention Gabriel is getting. In their culture, eating dogs is not only acceptable, but customary. “Why are they talking about this guy so much? I ate 5 dogs last month and I lost my baby teeth too,” said one 10 year old Korean interviewee.
Happy B-Day to the Hoff!
[ No Comments ] Posted on 07.17.08 under Funny News, Funny Pics, Funny Vids, Girls, TV Shows
It’s been a rough couple of years for Hasselhoff. Earlier this year he agreed to pay his ex-wife $25,000 a month; and ever since his infamous drunk video surfaced last May, his reputation (what was left) has been steadily decreasing. Well, today that is going to change We want to help Hoff celebrate his birthday with happy memories and thank him for all that he has brought us.
Licking this toad won’t get you high
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 07.15.08 under Funny News, Funny Pics
How do you Stab the Wrong Guy?!
[ No Comments ] Posted on 07.15.08 under Funny News
A group of suspected gangsters broke into a home and beat down the owner and stabbed him only to realize they had the wrong guy. Upon realizing their mistake they offered their apologies and a ride to the hospital. Our sources were on the scene and interviewed the victims wife who provided us with the Gangster’s conversations…
Gangster #1″Get that mother (expletive deleted)! Stab him! Stab him!”
Gangster #2 “Hey guys who are these pictures of on the mantle?”
Gangster #3 “What? Oh $h#@! We got the wrong house. Sir, I apologize for the mistake…you have one of those faces. Oh man I just feel awful about this. Talk about awkward. Hey can we give you a lift to the hospital?”
Gansgster #1″No hard feelings man. Honest mistake. Sorry about breaking the window also. Just send us the bill. Wow I still feel like an ass for threatening you, and can you believe I actually stabbed you? Man, I am sorry. We good man? You should probably get someone to check that out…”
No word yet on whether or not the victim has accepted the apology.
For the full article, click here!
Real life “Knocked Up”
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 07.14.08 under Funny News, Funny Vids